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The Princess Bride: Twin Peaks Style
Rating: PG
The Princess Bride: Twin Peaks Style
by Serin
Someone on the list brought up the topic of The Princess Bride. The following is the result... Warning:Finale spoilers
[HARRY restrains a straitjacketed COOPER while ALBERTpounds on the door of the world's most decrepit room-service WAITER.]
WAITER: What?! What?!
ALBERT: Are you the earthly host of the giant that appeared in Cooper's room at the Great Northern?
WAITER: The Great Northern fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! Beat it or I'll call the Sheriff's Department!
HARRY: I'm from the Sheriff's Department.
WAITER: You are the Sheriff's Department!
ALBERT: We need to see the giant. It's very important.
WAITER: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want the familiar spirit of someone the stinking Hornes fired. We might lose whoever you want to help in the Black Lodge.
ALBERT: He's already there.
WAITER: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in.
[They enter.]
COOPER: How's Annie? How's Annie? [laughs maniacally.]
WAITER: I've seen worse.
ALBERT: Senor Droolcup. . .
WAITER: Huh?
ALBERT: We're in a terrible rush.
WAITER: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a room-service waiter, you get rotten service. You got money?
ALBERT: Sixty-five.
WAITER: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause.
ALBERT: This is noble. His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...
WAITER: Are you a rotten liar!
ALBERT: We're both in love with him.
WAITER: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.
ALBERT: He's possessed by BOB. He won't help.
WAITER: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly BOB. There's a big difference between mostly BOB and all BOB. Please open his mouth. [inserts the bellows] Now, mostly BOB is slightly himself. Now, all BOB...well, with all BOB, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
ALBERT: What's that?
WAITER: Buy him a decent set of golf clubs. [pumps air into COOPER] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth coming back for?
COOPER: True....love....
ALBERT: True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
WAITER: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice GLT - Garmonbozia, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Garmonbozia is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to bluff.' So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated...
GIANT [appearing]: Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!
WAITER: Get back, spook!
GIANT: I'm not a spook, I'm your familiar spirit. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!
WAITER: You never had it so good.
GIANT: True love! He said true love!
WAITER: Don't say another word...
GIANT: You're afraid. Ever since Ben Horne fired him, his confidence has shattered.
WAITER: Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name!
GIANT: What, Horne?!
WAITER: Ahh!!
GIANT: Horne!
WAITER: Ahh!!
[the GIANT chases the WAITER around the room, yelling. The WAITER covers his ears.]
GIANT: Horne!
WAITER: Ahh!!
GIANT: Horne! Horne! Horne! Horne!
WAITER: I'm not listening!
GIANT: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
WAITER: Nobody's hearing nothing!
GIANT: Horne! Horne!
ALBERT: If you help Agent Cooper, he can expose Ben Horne's dirty dealings.
WAITER: Wait, wait. I make him better, Ben Horne suffers?
ALBERT: Indictments galore!
WAITER: Now *that* is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!
[The GIANT produces a pill]
HARRY: That will get rid of BOB?
GIANT: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least...
WAITER: An hour!
GIANT: An hour.
WAITER: ...A good hour.....Here. [gives them the pill]
HARRY: Thank you for everything.
WAITER: Okay!
GIANT: Bye bye, boys!
WAITER: Have fun closing the Black Lodge! [both waving] Buh-bye!
and after a little more discussion, Serin again contributed...
JEAN RENAULT: You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never move a hit television series to Saturday night; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Quebecois when death is on the line!
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Serin
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