But Not For Me

By Tiriel

Rating: PG

Pairing: Bud/Lynn, Lynn/Ed, Ed/Bud

Warning: angst

Disclaimer: The characters of this story don't belong to me...they came from the mind of James Ellroy, then got some modifications for the film from the minds of Curtis Hanson and Brian Helgeland...I promise to take care of them and put them back when I'm done. Please don't sue me, all I have are student loans. The song "But Not For Me" is of course from the mind of the great George Gershwin.

Spoilers: Takes place post-film.

Summary: For the second time in two weeks, I'm sliding down the slippery slope of songfic (yeah, yeah, I know) but in this case, the song is from the film, so that makes it okay, right? Someone thinks about a love lost.

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But Not For Me

by Tiriel

They are together. I'm alone now and they are together. I always knew they would be. I never thought that I could keep him. Not when they're so clearly made for each other. The first time I saw them together, I knew. The chemistry between the two of them just couldn't be denied. I should know. I've had them both, after all. They were so different. Obviously, you say. I picture them, together in bed, nothing in the room but the two of them now. The strange geometry the three of us shared is now simplified. There were three sides to the figure, but we all knew that only one of them would hold.

I miss Bud. Of course I do. Who wouldn't?

"They're writing songs of love;
but not for me..."

They're playing my song. The song that played the night we betrayed Bud. And when he found out, we wore matching bruises. But that's not who he is. The violence is a part of him, it haunts him, but he is so much more than that. He is so many things. Some people see only the caged tiger, the muscle, the bull in the china shop. They don't see what's inside, the part that's tender and good and tortured by the past. They see him stalk into a room, every movement oozing danger, and they judge him. And I know they'd never even imagine that he'd ever fuck a man. Appearances can be deceiving.

"It all began so well;
but what an end..."

What I had with Bud was the best relationship I ever had, not that that's saying much, and I saw him leave. I watched him go--out of my life forever. I let him go. I could have stopped him, if I'd done or said the right thing, but I didn't. Bud is so good. He would have tried to love us both if I'd asked. Or maybe I could have even held him with guilt, had him all to myself. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. But I didn't, because I know that they belong together. He is not for me.

The End -- Ed or Lynn? You decide.

I love feedback unconditionally.

Tiriel

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