A Damn Fine Cup of Coffee

Snippets, filks, limericks, poems, etc. by various listmembers.


#1-Barbara

A cabin in winter. A large fire dances wildly in the fireplace, its popping and cracking the only sounds of the still December night.into the nearest corner, a matress, carefully made and covered with thick quilts to ward against the cold, currently holds the two men for whom this cabin is a retreat. Dale lies on his back, arms folded behind his head, stares dreamily up at the ceiling. His fair skin glows golden in the firelight; his dark eyes sparkle with happiness; a contented smile plays across his lips as the flickering firelight plays across his naked body. Sprawled beside him, equally naked, a similar smile on his lips, Harry idly runs his fingers over Dale, an unhurried voyage over his lover's body. Outside, the full moon rises, but her cold, silver light cannot pierce the warm glow coming from within.


#2-Barbara

Albert is in much more disaray than is customary as he leans back in the rather uncomfortable hotel chair. An ordinary chair in an ordinary room in a common hotel in a common little town on a boring investigation, but the man with Albert brings a spark of color to the otherwise monochrome assignment. This man is on his knees before Albert, patiently arguing, with lips and tongue and throat, that there is something special to be found in every day. Albert's hand is in his dark, impeccably trimmed hair, his erection in that eloquent mouth. It is impossible to argue with such a well-stated case, impossible to do anything but lean back and let this beautiful, intoxicating man take Albert's simple, predictable evening in this simple, predictable world and make it something extraordinary.


#3-Tam

"Albert! Would you like to join me for a new FBI training course in How to Identify Different Liquors by Their Taste? All we have to do is sample each and every alcoholic beverage available legally, and then we move on to those that are available on the black market."

"Coop...do you KNOW just how many different types of liquor there ARE? That would take...days. Maybe even weeks."

"Well, we'd better get started, then."

"Fine. Just let me make a call, first."

"A call?"

"Yes -- to the Liver Donor center, to tell them I won't be able to make my post-mortem donation but I WOULD like to be in line as a live recipient. Unless of course you'd like to just skip this badly-disguised attempt to get me drunk and come home with me, where I can shake you naked and eat you raw...."

"Albert, that is a brilliant idea...and certainly more intoxicating than what I had in mind."

"I will never steer you wrong, Coop."


#4-Serin

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Dale Cooper gave to me:

Twelve owls a-seeming,
Eleven bikers brooding,
Ten Hornes a-scheming,
Nine dwarves a-dancing,
Eight fish a-perking,
Seven sawmills burning,
Six mynahs bleeding,
Fiiiiiiiive choc-late bunnies!
Four smiling bags,
Three Flesh Worlds,
Two diaries, and
A scrap of paper with the letter "B!"


#5-Serin

A Kids in the Hall Filk

COOPER: Hi, I'm Special Agent Dale Cooper. I'd like to tell you about the Bobs I know.

[Singing: ]These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

Killer Bob
I saw him in my dream
He'll get you with his death bag
He'll probably kill again.

These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

Bobby Briggs
He's the high school quarterback
He cried when he lost his virginity
And he's really rude to his Dad.

These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

Some of them are Bobbys
[KILLER BOB: But most of us are Bobs]
They all live in Twin Peaks
But only some have friends named Mike.

These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

Bob Lydecker
The One-Armed Man's best friend
His filing system's crazy
But he's a pretty good vet, I guess.

These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

"Okay" Bob
He appeared in the pilot...

[There's nothing else to say about "Okay" Bob.
Everyone stands around, looking vaguely uncomfortable for the rest of the measure.]

These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know
These are the Bobs I know, I know
These are the Bobs I know

BOBS: We are the Bobs he knows, he knows
We are the Bobs he knows
We are the Bobs he knows, he knows
We are the Bobs he knows

Some of us are Bobbys
But most of us are Bobs
We all live in Twin Peaks
But only some have friends named Mike.

COOP: These are the Bobs I know, I know
BOBS: We are the Bobs he knows, he knows
ALL: These are the Bobs!


#6-Tiriel

Dark hair moves against a white pillow. Her lover's hand caresses her, his mouth warm against her shoulder. Perspiration holds one damp curl tightly against the smooth skin of her neck. As her climax nears, Audrey's head tosses wildly. Her eyes squeeze shut and her quiet gasp breaks the silence. "Jack." When her body has calmed, she hesitates before opening her eyes, knowing that they will sting with tears of loneliness. In moments like these, she allows herself, however briefly, to forget. South America. But he has promised to return when he can. And she will be waiting.


#7-Hel

An Federal agent named Dale
Had skin such a nice shade of pale.
Albert might snark,
And Harry would bark,
But together, they'd make our boy wail.

There were two brothers named Horn
Who had no small rep for porn.
But Jerry begs, "Please,
I want some stories."
The listmembers treat him with scorn.

Poor Cooper was all wet and sad.
Bob's leaving made him feel bad.
Albert took him to bed
And gave him some head
Now he says he's the best that he's had.

Tiriel, who turns a year older today,
Craves slash fic in the worst possible way.
"Give me Harry and Dale,
Throw in Albert as well!
What the heck, let the whole cast list play!"

No stories have shown up so far,
We hope that this day, it won't mar.
Let's all raise a toast-
Our ListGoddess is the most!
Quick, Belly-up to the bar.


#8-Tam

Albert's an agent of note
Dapper in his overcoat
But what you don't see
Is what's strapped to his knee
That gives that man reason to gloat.

One day in the J. Edgar hall
Dale found himself against a wall
"No, Albert, we can't!"
He was heard to rant,
"The BASEMENT'S the best place to ball!"

To pick from three men was Dale's trial:
Could Hawk's strength top Harry's smile?
It was not Albert's nose,
But his much bigger HOSE
That beat them all out by a mile.

The Lodges, both Black and White
Can be a terrible fright;
But what's scarier for me
Is slashing Dale with Andy --
No one is THAT desperate...right?


#9-Alison

There once was a man, Field, Rosen
Who had quite a knack, I'm supposin'
At all that hot-lovin'
Now Harry is shovin'
Cooper aside to get *his* "blows" in!


#10-Serin

There once was an agent from Philly
Who said, "Albert, though some find you chilly,
You have skill astronomical
With things anatomical
We won't follow protocol, will we?"

Albert was nobody's fool
He'd been to Yale Medical School
He said, "Though unscientific,
Your results are terrific.
I'll ditch the rulebook if you'll."

Agent Cooper related a dream
In which the Log was all covered in cream
Though not sure what it meant
It made Harry comment
"Owls aren't the only things not what they seem."


#11-Jerry Horne

When in disgrace with Fortune and Ben's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble the ML with my bootless cries,
And look upon my self and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more crazy-cool,
Tall like Truman, like Hawk with pecs possessed,
Desiring this Agent's chin, and that Agent's tool,
And all in all just feeling kinda stressed,
Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
(Like to the Bewick's Wren at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate,
For thy sweet self doth hold such wealth within,
That I scorn to change my state with *even Ben.*


#12-Serin

Through the crowded warren of cubicles that comprised the administrative space of the FBI Crime Lab, Albert was walking in his usual beeline fashion toward the elevators, mentally debating the impact of alcohol in the bloodstream on the absorption of arsenic trichloride by the reticular connective tissue (it would be accelerated, obviously, but quantitatively? Exponentially?), when he heard a voice calling him. Without breaking stride, he glanced around, and knew Dana Scully at once by the single-minded yet poised way she strove to catch up with him, her face staunchly refusing to acknowledge the heroic efforts of her little legs. Because he had always thought highly of her, he stopped and waited. Still, he let her reintroduce herself before he allowed recognition to show in his face. After all, he hadn't seen her for years.

And on second glance he hardly did recognize her. The gifted, ambitious, but insecure post-doc he had instructed at Quantico had been a freshly scrubbed, plump-ish young woman with an unruly auburn pageboy and a wardrobe so frumpy it had to be deliberate. Pretty, in spite of herself. Now she appeared before him with a sleek red bob and cheekbones that could cut glass, draped in a svelte black suit, armored in an almost forbidding glamour. He didn't disapprove, certainly; he was just unsure what other changes this outward metamorphosis might signal. It made him edgy.

"How's everything, Scully? Still ghostbusting?" He asked.

"I'm still assigned to the X-Files, sir. A case has recently come up which has some . . . puzzling aspects. Agent Mulder believes there may be a relation to an investigation you worked on years ago, a case that involved the murder of two young girls in Twin Peaks, Washington."

An ugly, sickening little thump in his chest at the mention of that name.

"Yeah? Well, good luck with that," he said, and resumed walking.

She strode beside him, determined.

"Sir, I was hoping. . ."

"Everything I have to say on the subject is signed, stamped, and filed in triplicate. You can easily obtain copies of these reports by filling out a little form in Records and waiting two to three business days."

As he punched the button for the elevator, she put her hand on his arm. She was *very* determined. It made him furious, and also oddly proud of her.

She met his gaze directly. "I've seen the official reports, sir. They're concise and informative. But I still believe that you may be able to shed some additional light on what happened, and I was sure that you would make time for this if there were any possibility that it might save lives." In this last statement Albert thought he detected a trace of her old Catholic schoolgirl earnestness, though overall her serious demeanor seemed to have cooled and hardened into a steely professionalism, forged in what furnace of experience he didn't really care to contemplate.

Mentally kicking himself, he said, "Why don't you come with me down to Walter Reed AMC. I probably can't enlighten you much about the events in Twin Peaks, but who knows, you might learn something interesting about the absorption patterns of arsenic."

"Arsenic trioxide? I thought . . ."
"Trichloride. No rat poison cocktail involved, Scully."

He could see that her curiosity was aroused. Though equally toxic, arsenic trichloride was a much rarer animal than its ubiquitous cousin, which was familiar to medical examiners everywhere as a frequent unsolicited food additive.

As they stepped into the elevator, he said, "The fashionista look seems to be working pretty well for you. You've really grown into yourself, haven't you, Scully?"

"Sir?"

"Your brains, your looks, your character. You always had those things-- maybe too much for a kid, because they used to hang on you a little awkwardly."

Now that he thought he knew her again, he was comfortable telling her this. She knew as well as anybody that he didn't dish out praise casually, or with ulterior motives. But Scully wouldn't say or do anything embarrassing.

And damn right, there was a brief astonished silence and then she just said, "Thank you, sir."

And smiled; but a small, secret smile, like a chink in an iron door that lets through a little beam of light.


#13-Tiriel

It is eleven years today. Eleven years since Laura Palmer was killed. A lot has changed in Twin Peaks since then. Within the space of about six weeks, Twin Peaks saw more deaths than it usually does in a year. What happened to Laura and Ronette on this night eleven years ago brought Special Agent Dale Cooper to town. A lot's changed since then, and a lot hasn't. The RR still serves the best damn cherry pie you've ever tasted. BOB is gone, but the Bookhouse Boys still stand watch in case the evil in the woods returns. The burning of the Packard mill turned out to be a blessing in disguise. When logging started to decline, Twin Peaks had already found other sources of jobs and income. Ben Horne ran for mayor after Mayor Milford died on his honeymoon, and actually won. He's been doing a pretty good job. Good enough to get re-elected, at least. There've been marriages and births and divorces and deaths, but nothing on the level of that year. 1989. The year when everything changed. I wonder if, somewhere, Laura is at peace? I wonder if she knows that her death was the catalyst for so much change in this normally quiet town? I can tell you one thing. On this day, for as long as I live, I'll bring flowers to her grave. Why? Because if it weren't for her, Coop and I never would have met. I can't say I'm glad that any of it happened, except for that. If she hadn't died, if Ronette hadn't crossed the state line, I would never have known him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not glad she died, I'm just glad that some good things came out of it. Thank you, Laura.

I hope that, wherever you are, you know that something good came out of all of it. Because of you, I found love. Thank you.


#14-Serin

LOVELY DENISE, DEA
(To the tune of "Lovely Rita, Meter Maid" by the Beatles)

ALL:
Lovely Denise, DEA
Lovely Denise, DEA

COOPER:
Lovely Denise, DEA,
Where would I be without you?
When I need aid, you come to save the day

Glad to have a new liason
Like my old friend Dennis Bryson
Who just sauntered in with a really fresh look

HAWK:
In soft grey, she was enchanting
And the way that I was panting
Made me feel a little like a schoolboy again

ERNIE:
Lovely Denise, DEA,
May I inquire discreetly,
When are you free to give the third degree to me?

HARRY:
She flashed a pout, and I had to stare
Squirmed about in my desk chair
When she shook my hand with a very firm grip

ANDY:
When we danced, my heart felt lighter,
And my pants, they felt much tighter
As she introduced me to a new step or two

JEAN RENAULT:
Lovely Denise, DEA,
Whoever could resist you?
Show us some leg and make us beg for you